SATIRE: Horror-scopes

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

The stars are a strong advocate for cake. “Summer bodies” can wait.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

You’ll use hashtags thinking it’s still cool, only to remember it’s 2019 and this is why you have no friends. #sorrynotsorry

Aries: March 21-April 19

You’ll spend April 1 being the butt of everyone’s joke, only to wake April 2 and realize it wasn’t a joke, it’s just your life.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

You’ll be relieved to find out 4/20 is on a Saturday, only to realize you’re a broke college student with no access to a dealer. #brokeasajoke #craveitnotblazeit

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Go ahead, meet with your professor. People say you can’t argue a F into an A, but you won’t know until you try.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Just because the snow is melting doesn’t mean you can whip out your skimpy shorts. Spring break is over.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

All of your dreams will come true Wednesday, March 27, if you … oh wait … it’s the 29 … never mind.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

<insert inspirational quote here>

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22

You’ll have trouble sleeping all month, only to finally take a nap and be woken up by the fire drill you forgot about.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21

You’ll take offense to the Tire Fire and cite it as a reliable source in your next essay.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

I told you your true love is just around the corner, not on the corner, ya filthy scallywag. #springbreak2019

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19

What happens on spring break winds up on Instagram – riiiiiight before you start applying for summer jobs. Good luck.