Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
The stars are a strong advocate for cake. “Summer bodies” can wait.
Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
You’ll use hashtags thinking it’s still cool, only to remember it’s 2019 and this is why you have no friends. #sorrynotsorry
Aries: March 21-April 19
You’ll spend April 1 being the butt of everyone’s joke, only to wake April 2 and realize it wasn’t a joke, it’s just your life.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
You’ll be relieved to find out 4/20 is on a Saturday, only to realize you’re a broke college student with no access to a dealer. #brokeasajoke #craveitnotblazeit
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Go ahead, meet with your professor. People say you can’t argue a F into an A, but you won’t know until you try.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Just because the snow is melting doesn’t mean you can whip out your skimpy shorts. Spring break is over.
Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
All of your dreams will come true Wednesday, March 27, if you … oh wait … it’s the 29 … never mind.
Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
<insert inspirational quote here>
Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
You’ll have trouble sleeping all month, only to finally take a nap and be woken up by the fire drill you forgot about.
Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21
You’ll take offense to the Tire Fire and cite it as a reliable source in your next essay.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21
I told you your true love is just around the corner, not on the corner, ya filthy scallywag. #springbreak2019
Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
What happens on spring break winds up on Instagram – riiiiiight before you start applying for summer jobs. Good luck.