Tire Fire Confessions

Honestly, fuck birds!

Like, what are they for? They don’t do anything. They just strut around doing that weird head thing all the time.

And when they’re not doing that, you know what they’re doing?

Yeah, shitting. Shitting everywhere, on everything. Just blowing ass, whenever, wherever, without a care in the world.

They make these werid noises, usually at the ass-crack of dawn. They’re literally just screaming at the world for no reason. And people are okay with that? But when I stand outside and scream in the morning, that’s crossing the line.

Has anyone else noticed that they’re just EVERYWHERE?? If raccoons were as common of a sight as pigeons, then someone would be stepping in to do something.

Birds are probably just surveillance drones for the government anyway. Have you seen Washington? Everyone is paranoid that José, the gardener, is going to start slinging heroin or killing people for fun. José is a nice guy! We have him over for Thanksgiving every year!

Why did the Republicans feel the need to implement BIRDS into our society to monitor us? I just want some privacy, man.

AND WHAT IS UP WITH BIRD-WATCHING? Why the hell do we sit in the window with binoculars, staring with unblinking gaze at a hanging tube full of seeds, just shivering in anticipation of seeing any kind of flying reptile?

Yeah, did you know that reptiles are birds’ closest relatives? What? Why is that a thing?

Think about it! Pterodactyls, man! Those things are scary as shit. They’re related. Ostrichs? What kind of hell did they crawl out of? Penguins?? Why are they birds if they can’t y? Hummingbirds are just big mosquitos!

Magicians pull doves out of hats and that’s not normal.

Why can parrots talk? Will they take over the world?

Flamingos are pink! Animals aren’t pink! Why do they only stand on one leg? Why are swans assholes? Aren’t they just overgrown ducks?

AND why are bald eagles our national bird? They literally just look old. Bald is not a compliment. They’re not even that common! Our national animal should be a pigeon, because they’re everywhere, they’re obnoxious, and they’re dumb. Just like us. Also because the government is using them to spy on us.

Birds aren’t real. Fuck birds.