SATIRE: Dawn of a new draft

All for one and one for ... the Dawgs?

High school graduates are still choosing to attend college, but they’re not choosing to attend Ferris. This frightening drop in enrollment has prompted the Office of Admissions to raise an alarm. Instead of providing more incentives to prospective students, Ferris will be implementing a draft system to boost enrollment.

On April 20, President Eisler declared a state of Ferris-wide emergency, claiming that the lack of prospective student interest was critically low and needed to be supplemented by a Selective Service System. Male and female students who are to graduate in May of 2019 are the first to be entered into a lottery by birthdate, followed, if needed, by students graduated in 2018, 2017, 2016 and so forth.

Eisler stated in a press conference Feb. 19 that there would be no deferments to women or those with health issues.

“You want equality? Here.”

Opponents of the selective service question Eisler’s decision and upon what authority he is acting. Unfortunately, to date, Eisler has made no further comments, nor has he discussed the situation in any more detail. The Office of Admissions is tentatively following orders, as they are unsure of the legality of the new system.

Most of the students we spoke to were adamantly against the new policy. Daxton Gretson, a sixth year automotive management student, was all for the idea, although we’re not entirely sure he actually knew what we were talking about.

“Yeah, no, it’s a good idea to get people in there, because, you know, we all gotta play our part, as Americans and show our patriotism. It’s our duty, you know?”

Aside from Gretson and his run-on sentence, no other students were willing to be interviewed.

No sane faculty members were available for comment, for obvious reasons. We had to draw straws because not a single Tire Fire reporter actually wanted to cover this story.