SATIRE: Sidewalk’s side bitch

Students will have to find alternate walking routes as university vehicles take to the sidewalks

Ferris students are being advised not to walk on campus sidewalks as they become the primary path for university vehicles.

In a university announcement, Ferris has advised students to find alternate routes to their classes as university vehicles will now exclusively use campus sidewalks for travel and parking.

“As we look to make travel more efficient for university vehicles and our employees, use of campus sidewalks will now be limited to university vehicles with the exception of necessary sidewalk use to enter buildings,” the announcement said.

In recent years campus sidewalks have increasingly been used as roadways and parking for university staff who find using actual roads and parking lots inconvenient. The added efficiency of driving where students walk lead the university to make change official.

“With hundreds of students not even being able to find parking near the buildings on campus no one can expect us to park anywhere other than directly in the middle of the sidewalks. I’m not going to walk 100 yards into a building when students can just walk in the grass while I drive my van down their designated walking paths,” Ferris Physical Plant worker Richard Head said.

While many students are unhappy with the change, some are welcoming the added safety of making it official.

“I’m just glad the rules are in writing now. You might expect university employees to drive and park on the roadways like everyone else on Earth but they have a right to take up the entire sidewalk and force people into the grass. I’m glad I know not to walk on the walkways now because there’s nothing scarier than walking with some headphones and turning to see a van coming towards you in a place 99% of people would be arrested for driving,” Ferris pre-optometry sophomore Dylan Platus said.

The university announcement also said the change is in the best interest of student safety.

“We simply cannot ask out employees to use the roadways and it is completely unsafe to have students walking where employees drive. We have the best interest of our students in mind it’s simply not a risk we’re will- ing to take any longer. To keep everyone safe, students caught walking on the sidewalks will now be subject to a fine.”

When asked about the fines, a university spokesperson said ticket revenue will go towards the legal fees assumed by the university after hitting a student with a university vehicle last year.