SATIRE: Off the record

Campus exploits that aren’t necessarily illegal or reported to DPS, but probably should be

Should’ve been a business major: Sept. 3, 11:01 p.m., a first year pharmacy student was complaining about having to study already for their first exam only two weeks into the semester. No one present gave a shit.

Guess we’ll never know: Sept. 5, 6:45 p.m., a student accidentally meandered into Brutus the Bulldog’s dressing room before the home football game and caught a glimpse of the student’s head who was in the costume. Before he could escape, he was grabbed by Brutus’ handlers. Although the Student Alumni Gold Club claims to know nothing about the incident, the student hasn’t been seen since.

So close: Sept. 6, 9:14 a.m., a class waited anxiously in the hall for 14 minutes, hoping their professor wouldn’t show and they would be able to leave due to the 15 minute rule. But alas, the professor rushed in with seconds to spare and started his lecture with, “I would have marked you absent if you had left, anyway.” What an asshole.

Absolutely diabolical: Sept. 7, 10:23 a.m., a student in line at the University Center Starbucks listened to the order in front of them and ordered the exact same thing, but two sizes smaller. Then, while the student in front of them wasn’t paying attention, they took their venti drink when it came out instead of their own, which was a tall. That’s one way to save money, I guess.

Well, that’s one mood you can set: Sept. 10, 10:56 p.m., at beer pong night at Shoots, two subjects left the bar together. Once they made it back to the male’s room, the female told him to put some music on to “set the mood.” Shortly after, the lyrics “Yeah, I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road” broke the silence that became even more awkward. The female subject immediately called her roommate to pick her up.

You ANIMAL: Sept. 12, 12:04 a.m., a subject at the Gypsy Nickel bought a pitcher of Oberon and only got four sips in before he poured the pitcher over his head screaming, “I’m the king of craft beer.” Chads are such a f—ing waste of space. Who wastes the nectar of the gods like that?

I’m calling the police: Sept. 14, 8:06 a.m., two roommates happened to be getting ready in the bathroom at the same time and both reached for the same toothbrush to brush their teeth. They both realized in horror they both thought the toothbrush was theirs and had been sharing a toothbrush for a month. Excuse me while I hurl.

The worst kind of person: Sept. 17, 9:33 p.m., a student posted spoilers on not only her Snapchat story, but her Instagram story, too, and ruined the finale of everyone’s favorite reality television shit show, “Bachelor in Paradise.” All her friends have since deleted her on all forms of social media and labeled her as a Bachelor Nation pariah. No one has cable anymore, Becky, keep it to yourself.

A colorful ambush: Sept. 19, 11:45 p.m., a North Hall resident finally snapped after being kept awake by his suitemate banging his girlfriend three times a night. He bought a paintball gun and barged into his suitemate’s room while he was in the act and blasted the couple with paintballs, reportedly screaming obscenities. I’m not sure whether I’m horrified or amused.

Hack at FAC: Sept. 20th, 4:20 p.m., a flu-ridden female student hacked up a lung while trying to chug a double vodka soda. Everyone was immediately horrified and security had to escort the poor monster to Spectrum to be quarantined, because that shit is gross. Stay home if you’re sick.