SATIRE: Horror-scopes

The most accurate horoscope you'll ever read

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

The first month of classes are over, you can break up with your high school boyfriend now.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

According to that DNA test you took, you are only 3% that bitch.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

Drinking White Claws is not a personality trait.

Aries: March 21-April 19

A project that you think will take five seconds will turn into five hours… Good luck with that.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Be careful when “throwing that ass back.” Having to wear a back brace is no joke.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Your dreams will finally come true and you’ll get hit by the campus shuttle.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

You’re basically a clown so you might as well transfer to clown college.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Having 47 followers on your Spotify playlist doesn’t make you a DJ.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22

Now is the perfect time to drop out of all of your classes and ghost your roommate.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21

You’ll download Tik Tok as a joke and end up with an addiction problem and 300,000 followers.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Wait, you paid your rent at Campus Creek on time? Let’s charge you $3,000 in fees anyways.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19

You have to stop saying “aight imma head out” every time something minor inconvenience happens to you.