SATIRE: A suspicious statue

Why is that creepy statue of Woodbridge Nathan Ferris really there?

Walk onto the quad, and you’ll see a statue of Woodbridge Ferris, the dude so uptight that he can’t just have an entire university named after himself. No, he has to have himself immortalized in stone. But why? Is it really just to commemorate Mr. Ferris? Or is there something more?

We thoroughly examined the statue, and didn’t see that it was made of any suspicious material. So the statue got a nice prostate exam, and the cloaking spell hid any traces of its true origins. It could be a portal to another dimension. Or if you pull the statue out, you’ll find where Elvis Presley’s been all these years. It also could be where an ancient tribe fanatically worshipped an Easter Island head and gave offerings of gum. Or where you’ll find the Illuminati.

It also could mean the Woodbridge Ferris statue, the World Statue, and the 125th Anniversary Statue make up the northern Bermuda Triangle.

Students and faculty are notoriously skeptical of our conspiracy theories, and a result would not speak to us regarding the mysterious statue.

Does no one possess a healthy conspiracy these days? What are these phones and vaccines doing to our children? ARE WE BECOMING SHEEP?

Anyway, back to the topic at hand: If we rub the top of Woodbridge’s head, will Robin Williams appear and give us three wishes? Is the northern Bermuda Triangle where motivation goes to die? Just standing near the statue drained the energy and will to live from multiple Tire Fire reporters.

While it is technically undetermined if it was the statue of Woodbridge that caused such an adverse reaction in the reporters, or the fact that none of them had eaten anything but iced coffee for the past month, our reporters do claim that it was the statue, as they had felt fine prior to being near him.

We’ll burn a few wooden bridges to get to the final answer. However, we will not be visiting the statue in person again, because his eyes followed.