SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“What is there for me to do in my free time?”
-Bored Brendon

You should’ve known when you showed up for orientation what there’s absolutely nothing to do in your free time, other than get drunk, and/or smoke crack. Big Rapids is the most boring county in the United States. Look it up. Alternative facts. Your only options are literally: go to Shooters and get hammered on shitty death stars, or smoke actual crack.

– Woodbridge

“What happens if the university ever shuts down?”

-Paranoid Paul

Are you a freshman? I can tell you’re a freshman. e Grand Rapids campus closes if it rains. However, main campus only closes if Eisler senses that he might lose money. He never shuts down campus during the winter because he knows Starbucks is going to be poppin’. Dave might consider shutting down campus during a hurricane, but even then it’s unlikely, since you’ll be stuck in the UC, you’ll probably buy overpriced Quad food. Just don’t expect him to be around in those instances, because we all know he goes missing whenever a university-wide crisis occurs.

– Woodbridge

“I’ve got a Netflix account, and my boyfriend likes to watch stuff like “Stranger Things” and “Black Mirror” under my account, and I hate those shows, because I want to watch “The Last Kingdom” and “The Crown and Outlander,” but he hogs the account so I can’t watch what I want to. How can I watch my shows?”

– Grouchy Gretchen

Everyone sucks here. Your shitty boyfriend should get his own account so he doesn’t have to continue to mooch o of you. And you, get a decent taste in entertainment. “Outlander” is for 40-year-old moms who are trying to escape their boring marriages with a shitty husband, and two dumbass kids. Those sex scenes are for grandmothers. You both should be ashamed of yourselves, but on the bright side, you’re perfect for each other.

– Woodbridge

“Why is my professor playing Bubble Shooter while we’re taking our test?”

– Testy Troy

Let the man live. He has to deal with your dumbass like three times a week. I know you never listen to him while he lectures, give him a break. If he wants to play Candy Crush, let him. You know damn well that you’re too socially awkward to actually go ask him if you have a question about the test, so why should he just be sitting there and staring at you as you take your test?

– Woodbridge

“Who are you?”

– Inquisitive Ian

Wouldn’t you like to know?

– Woodbridge