SATIRE: Dude where’s my car?

The harrowing tale of how one student blacked out and lost a whole-ass vehicle

In an unfortunate Friday the 13th incident, a male student lost a whole ass vehicle.

A senior in the blacksmithing program, Jason Voorhees woke up from an ill-fated blackout to find that his 2013 Volvo C30 had mysteriously disappeared.

Voorhees and his fraternity brothers, or ‘frat bros’ as he referred to them, made the weekly hungover march to Shooters to collect their vehicles. However, Voorhees was unable to locate his Volvo.

After making stops to check that he hadn’t left his car in an obvious place, such as the Gypsy Nickel, the impound lot, or smashed into a tree, Voorhees contacted his fraternity group chat, aptly named ‘the real bros ’ for help.

A group of man-children in varying states of intoxication pooled their 69 brain cells together to try to piece together a timeline from the previous night.

Voorhees and his ‘big bro’ Michael Myers, who unfortunately goes by the moniker “Eminem” as if he’d ever be that cool, spent the next seven hours trying to build that timeline of the night. Voorhees generously drew us a replica of the timeline they were able to create.

When one dumb freshman asked Voorhees why he didn’t call the police, Voorhees looked the poor freshman dead in the eye and said “Fuck the 12.”

The next item of business on Myers’ list of options to help Voorhees find his car was to text anyone and everyone Voorhees might’ve seen the night before.

Obviously, the entire Greek community at Ferris was contacted, just in case. All group project members from any classes Voorhees had were also questioned.

Jason was adament that he had not seen his ex-girlfriend Carrie the night before, as he had made a pact through the ‘Bro Code’ with Michael ‘Eminem’ Myers that he wouldn’t see Carrie, after Voorhees cheated on her and then was hurt when she got mad at him.

When asked if it was possible that Voorhees had seen Carrie the previous night, Myers got very defensive and refused to speak to Tire Fire reporters about the topic.

“Jason wouldn’t do that. Carrie really hurt him by being angry. It was an accident that he slept with that Delta girl. Carrie shouldn’t even be upset! They look kind of similar.”

Two Tire Fire reporters took it upon themselves to use the information that had been gatherered, and attempt to put together a timeline of their own.

Despite their vast knowledge, the two reporters were unable to learn anything from the information Voorhees and Myers had given them. Very little handwriting was legible, and what could be deciphered was gibberish.

The Tire Fire was about to put this investigative piece to rest, when Voorhees got in contact with us.

After beating around the bush and making very little sense, Voorhees admitted that he had found his vehicle. He was hesitant to tell us where the vehicle was found.

While many Tire Fire reporters had placed bets to where the vehicle was, few were shocked to be informed that Voorhees had, in fact, found his Volvo at the apartment of none other than his ex-girlfriend herself, Carrie. When asked about the situation, Carrie said that Voorhees showed up at her apartment at 12:30 am and cried on her bedroom floor about how sorry he was, and that she was the love of his life, and how he wanted nothing more than to have her back.

At press time, Voorhees and Carrie are back together, seemingly happily.