SATIRE: Spice up your Halloween costume

These five costume ideas will shock you

Do you have a foot fetish? This is the costume for you!

Basic bitch season means one thing, their holiday is coming up. That’s right: Halloween. So instead of trying to go out and buy your costume on Amazon and accidentally getting a kids size; take my advice in making your costume the best at whatever party you are getting ‘crunk’ at.

Be Original

Keep your costume original. The next time I see a god-damned purge girl, I’m killing someone. I am not saying pushing it to the extremes and ruin your chance at political office (I’m @ ing you Justin Trudeau) but try just enough where people look at your costume and think to themselves ‘ah that was clever, I wish I could have thought of that.’ Keeping your costume original means you could possibly save money on your costume. Don’t buy that Buzz Lightyear knockoff costume on Fashion Nova, it’s not worth the $80. You can use the money somewhere else, like pizza or, you know, your crippling student debt.

Keep it Simple

Keeping your costume simple is a key idea for Halloween. Do not try to base your costume off a work of art you saw during your semester aboard, no one cares, plus no one is going to understand, and they’re going to think you’re a pretentious asshole, which you are… If you think buying expensive and convoluted items for your costume is a necessary, I am here to tell you it’s not. You’re going to a frat party, Meghan, not an Alexander McQueen fashion show.

Be Creative

If you think cutting two holes in a sheet is creative, you’re basic. It’s simple but seriously, you have to be more creative and original than ‘a spooky sheet ghost.’ Let’s face it, just because you don’t use your top sheet doesn’t mean you can deface it, just leave the poor thing alone. Plus, if you go to a frat Halloween, they’re going to think a sheet with two holes means something else. Get a cowgirl vest and a cowgirl hat then wear them backwards. Boom, now you’re a ‘reverse cowgirl’. Now, that’s funny. Even better, get a ‘Ferris State Dad’ sweatshirt, a Ferris dad hat, then wear some jeans and maybe tuck in the pull over to the jeans. Maybe buy a fake mustache and rehearse some dad jokes. Now you’re every college kid’s worst fear: Forgetting to pull out. The positive about that costume you get to keep some Ferris gear and you learned new dad jokes for when the time comes.

Make sure you stay safe and have a great Halloween. Just kidding, I don’t give a fuck. Get cross-faded and eat a shit-ton of candy, that’s the best way to celebrate. Now go win some costume contests with this advice, and make sure you stay away from people dressed as Cosby.