SATIRE: Horror-scopes


Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

You had 6 months of doing nothing to find a boo and you still don’t got one…

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

Why party in person when you can party through zoom. It’s totally the same we promise.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

Now that you’re at college are you ready to never talk to your high school friends again?

Aries: March 21-April 19

If a guy says he’s tired of you bring him an energy drink.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Wait so you didn’t have a glo-up during the quarantine….?

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Looks like you’re broke from all the things you bought during quarantine.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Don’t unpack too much, you’ll end up leaving campus soon enough.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

The only good thing about having to wear masks are that instead of being a 5/10 you’re a 9/10.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Now is your time to drop out and start selling feet pics.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21

COVID won’t be the only disease you catch this semester…

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22

Did you open a small business during the quarantine or are you normal?

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19

Cutting and dying your hair every time there is a minor inconvenience is not a personality trait.