SATIRE: Stories from the bar

Can’t make it to the bar? You’re not missing much. Here are the people you would have met.

Schuberg Shooter

Friendly Neighborhood Alcoholic

On a pre-rona Friday, from 11 a.m. to 8 p.m., we used to be able to see a variety of patrons at the local bar. We’ve identified twelve different stereotypical students at everybody’s favorite establishment. Which one are you?

The Rookie – This type of patron is characterized by both their lack of tolerance and their lack of understanding of how the bar works. They are likely to do the following: buy a single bottle when pitchers are four dollars, ask the bartender what the best deal is, and ask a more experienced patron what a bar tab is. Most rookies are incapable of going the distance and will likely be shitfaced in a couple hours.

Shitfaced Shelly – This type of patron is usually a girl that has recently turned 21. She showed up with her friends promptly at 11 a.m. and skipped the last class of the day to come. By 2:30 the bartender has cut her off and told her friends they should probably take her home. While her friends are trying to find a ride home, Shitfaced Shelly is running around the bar with her makeup and hair messed up singing loudly and yelling. Shitfaced Shelly simply can’t hang.

The Philosopher – This guy is perpetually about one pitcher in. Don’t ask me how. I don’t know. He just got out of his philosophy class about an hour ago and he’s convinced that he’s solved the mysteries of the world. He’s not a bad guy but if you start a conversation, you’re gonna waste about three hours of your life.

The Bullshiter – This is the guy at the bar who always has a story a little too be good to be true. He answers every question brought up in conversation whether he knows what he’s talking about or not. He also claims that he has a “guy” for everything that you could need. As the night goes on his stories will only continue to get more and more absurd.

The Shots Girl – This is the girl that has come to the bar with her friends and is dead set on getting her whole group to take shots with her. She’ll most likely order shots of Tequila although Vodka isn’t necessarily out of the question. If she’s successful in getting her group to take shots, their time at the bar will be short but eventful for sure.

Dancing Debbie – A Dancing Debbie usually shows up toward the end of the night and is only there to dance. They are characterized by the black X’s on the back of their hands. Dancing Debbies tend to be loud and are usually freshmen. They are the only ones who would ever pay a twenty-dollar cover charge.

Too Swole Tim – Too Swole Tim walks into the bar with copious amounts of unearned swagger. He just got out of the gym and thinks he’s a God’s gift to women. He won’t drink beer because of the carbs and instead opts for a white claw claiming that’s just as “Manly.” In reality, he’s not actually that swole, and women find him a little creepy.

Beer Gut Bob – Beer Gut Bob is a regular. All the bartenders know him by name and have inside jokes with him. He’s generally slightly older than the rest of the patrons in the establishment but he knows everyone, and they love him. He’ll take shots with everyone and has likely run up some crazy bar tabs. Sad Boi – This is the guy sitting at the end of the bar complaining about something in his life. Whether it’s a girl or a class that’s got him upset, he’s cynical as hell. He’s characterized by his love for sad country music and is here every week. He’ll always be in the same spot talking about his problems.

The Lobbyist – The Lobbyist is a patron that’s simply there to watch the world burn. This is the guy that will convince everyone at the table to have another while secretly switching to water. They are there for both the comedic effect of watching their drunk friends stumble around and to take videos to make fun of them after. They will never tell a friend that it’s time to stop and will often act like the most drunk there even though they’re sober.

The Designated Drinker – This guy was supposed to be the designated driver, but he’s been here for a few hours and is now a pitcher and a half in. Don’t worry he’s not gonna drive, even though he was originally supposed to. The Designated Drinker will usually make a statement like “I’m only gonna have one, bro, I’ll still be good.” when he enters the bar. A half an hour later the idea of only one has long since evaporated. Hate to break it to you if your buddy is this guy, you’re walking your ass home.

The Pharm Student – These patrons are absolute animals. They’re the best and brightest that Ferris has to offer, and they are at the bar every Friday night making old Woodbridge proud. Whatever you do, DO NOT TRY TO OUTDRINK THEM. They are professionals and you are amateur. You will lose.