SATIRE: SUCCESS!

Student Government burns through entire student funds budget

Ferris State’s Finance Division and Student Government have once again successfully accomplished their task of spending the entirety of the student fees fund.

Each year, the groups are asked to decide how over $300,000 in student funds are spent, and they did so by using it to fund their decision-making meetings.

“We really killed two birds with one stone with this one,” Student Government Treasurer Benjamin Brackett said. “We were able to make ourselves look busy all year with meetings and spent all of the money we were asked to. The catering at each meeting was a big part of the spending, and we used a good chunk of the funds to get tailored formal wear, so that we wouldn’t have any issues with the dress code at our meetings.”

Due to persistent leadership and diligent work within Student Government, their annual spending goal was met for the 57th consecutive year.

“It didn’t happen overnight, but after a lot of directionless meetings and pointless displays of fabricated importance, we were able to get it done,” Student Government President Wayne Bersano said.

“I’m incredibly proud of my associates. It’s no small task burning through that much money while attempting to decide how to use it. It was truly a team effort, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the rest of student government, nor without the thousands of dollars the university trusted us to spend responsibly,” Bersano said.

Yet not everybody outside of Student Government is as excited to hear news of the accomplishment.

“I kind of wish they would’ve used it in a more proactive way for the rest of the students, but I guess I’m glad someone got to enjoy the funds,” Ferris biology sophomore Evelyn McMillen said.

Nearly every Ferris student must pay an additional $20 towards the fund. Because the funds are raised through student fees, Ferris students are going to extreme lengths to see that they reap the benefits of their spending.

“I had absolutely no interest in joining Finance Division before, but now I’m totally going for it. At least then I’ll get something out of that 20 bucks I had to spend,” Ferris accounting senior Philip Dirnt said.