Dylan Rider, Editor in Chief
Ferris State Torch Editor in Chief Dylan Rider has died from one too many paper cuts.
Following his Wednesday distribution of the Torch, the newspaper boss went to Birkam, complaining that he sustained a “gruesome injury.”
A Birkam report found that the aforementioned injury was just a paper cut.
Rider was survived by his plentiful staff, who seemed both apathetic and unsurprised by his passing.
“We always knew it’d be the paper that would do him in,” editor Jack Moggles said. “It was kind of a waiting game. But we’re getting the rest of the year off, so we’ll call it a win.”
Ember St. Amour, News Editor
While working her second job as a residential advisor at Brophy McNerney, News Editor Ember St. Amour tripped going up the stairs and fell to her death after hitting her head on a wall during rounds.
St. Amour was known for being clumsy, repeatedly missing steps and tripping over thin air, so her death came as little shock to friends and family.
It was found that St. Amour had a specific request for her funeral to be on the closest “spooky holiday” so respects can be paid at the Elm Street Cemetery on Halloween.
She also requested for AC/DC and bad song covers to be played, so be prepared to bring earplugs, while paying respects.
Connor Grypma, Sports Editor
Sports editor Connor Grypma has tragically passed away after being accused of cheating in the board game, “Castles.”
Editor-in-chief Dylan Rider and news editor Ember St. Amour, who both also recently passed, were said to belittle Grypma to excruciating lengths after he moved his castle pieces around mid-game. Once Grypma left the office after the incident, he was never seen again.
One of Grypma’s friends, culture editor Blasé Gapinski, who was sitting in on the fateful game, spoke on the tragic situation.
“It was awful,” Gapinksi said. “If I had a dime for every word of profanity I heard during the game, I could buy my dream house.”
Jordan Wilson, Multimedia Editor
The Torch’s Multimedia Editor Jordan Wilson suddenly passed away on Oct. 25 due to an unfortunate accident. She believed that there was an injured puppy in the middle of the road.
Bystanders grew concerned when they saw her run into the street and attempted to warn her of an oncoming semi-truck.
Unfortunately, Wilson is hard of hearing and did not hear the warnings before the truck was able to stop. According to witnesses her last words were “Huh? Can you repeat that?”
No injured animals were found next to the deceased. Instead, a bundled up sweatshirt that Wilson had mistaken for a puppy was gathered for evidence.
Anthony Malinowski, Managing Copy Editor
A loud crash was heard on Oct. 27 in Williams Auditorium, leading to the death of Managing Copy Editor Anthony Malinowski. It was revealed that a comically large anvil suddenly fell on top of him during tech week of Urinetown.
Prior to the incident, Malinowski was heard discussing how “busy” opening night will be, overlapping with Halloween.
The cast was somber the day after, but kept telling themselves that “the show must go on.” Upon questioning, it was discovered that Malinowski mentioned the “Scottish Play.” The director then chose to take matters into his own hands.
Kate Babel, News Reporter
Kate Babel, a journalism senior, has died after the revving engines of people’s cars and motorbikes caused her head to explode and the sound waves shook her bunk bed and caused her body fell off the top bunk and hit the mini-fridge.
Babel liked writing for fun, binge-watching her favorite shows on Netflix and sleeping in on weekends. She was supposed to graduate in the upcoming spring semester. Babel was known to have disliked the loud exhausts and lack of mufflers on the vehicles around campus, and is said to have complained about it before her death.
“Everywhere should just be like Mackinac,” she was heard saying, mere hours before the tragic accident.
Sam Mulder, Torch Photographer
In an event some have called “hilariously idiotic,” Samuel Mulder died attempting to snowboard on a hill without snow.
When asked when he was last seen, people said he slipped on wet leaves covering stairs outside and hit his head. The autopsy indicated resulted in a severe brain injury.
Samples show that his snowboard had been coated in a self-formulated solution for reducing friction. It is unknown whether Mulder succumbed to the flame from the coating or from tree he hit.