SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“I am a freshman at Ferris and I have a really hard time not laughing when people fall off their longboards or bikes. My friends says that I’m embarrassing but I can’t help it, it just comes up like hysterical vomit. What should I do?” – Andrea the sadist 

First off, you’re a freshman so whatever you do, you’ll be an embarrassment. Secondly, just wait for black ice. That’s when the real fun begins. – Woodbridge 


“Dude, I am so fricken cold. How do I stay warm during winter?” – Frozen Freddy 

That is, without a doubt, the worst question I have ever heard. You live in MICHIGAN. You can’t “stay warm.” Michigan winters imply coldness and death. Think dementor climate or the Upside Down. Got it? Good. – Woodbridge 


“As a broke college student, I’m not sure I can afford to get everybody gifts. What should I do?” – Christmas Carol 

Do not fear. You can make a number of homemade gifts to substitute your lack of funding. For example, you can use your tears from exam week to water flowers for your mom. Once you start getting creative, the possibilities are endless. – Woodbridge 


“I just got back from an engineering internship where I lived alone and had super fast internet for my online gaming. Now that I’m back in Big Rapids, I have to deal with bad internet speed and a roommate. Should I just bite the bullet and do more productive things, or attempt to remedy my situation?” – Landon of Traverse 

Wait, do you mean to tell me that you still do online gaming? How old are you? I’m going to suggest that you get a social life. Maybe travel, learn how to ride a bike, make friends, go to a party, clean what I can only imagine is a pizza box-infested apartment, talk to your roommate or learn to cook. This is guaranteed to help solve your insufferable first-world problem. – Woodbridge 


“I’m not sure what I want for Christmas, everything just seems so childish. Suggestions?” – Mild Mike 

Ah, yes. Welcome to adulthood, where gifts are significantly less materialistic. I might suggest asking for the following: a nap, sanity, a new presidential election, silence, no plans, time and more naps. – Woodbridge


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