SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

Submit questions to fsutirefire@gmail.com for a chance to see Woodbridge N. Ferris give you personalized advice!

 

“I’m getting ready to graduate this May and I’ve been having a lot of trouble locking down a job. I’m getting interviews and filling out applications like mad but I just can’t seem to seal the deal. What should I do?” – Hapless Heather 

I would really like to give you advice on this but tbh, same. – Woodbridge 

“Are there any cool Ferris legends or rumors or anything that you can substantiate?” – Corey the Conspirator 

Dude, sit down and let me tell you a little story about a place called the Alumni Building. Not only did this thing survive when the rest of the campus burned to the freaking ground but it is 200 percent haunted and has the creepiest painting of my wife in the lobby. I begged them for years to take it down but they said it added character (aka nightmares). 

Another great little tale is the rich alumnus that hides money on campus and sends desperate college students with tremendous amounts of debt on treasure hunts for $20 bills. Have you ever heard of “The Hunger Games?” You can’t make this shit up. 

The third and most definitively real Ferris legend lies beneath the ground you stand on. Turns out, the entire foundation of campus is built upon underground catacombs filled with the skeletons of student who cheat on exams. Human bones can actually support a ton of weight, so it’s a great way to cut costs and teach those academically dishonest bastards a lesson. – Woodbridge 

“I just bought a new Xbox One and it’s been such a huge distraction for me. Don’t get me wrong ,I’m having a lot of fun but I’m a little worried it’s going to hurt my grades. What can I do to stay focused on what’s actually important?” – Gamer Gage 

If you’re implying that anything is more important than the gamer life, I’m going to need you to get out, n00b. College is temporary, fame in the gaming world is slightly less temporary. Log as many hours as you can before the arthritis sets in. 

(This response was sponsored by Microsoft). – Woodbridge 

“Should I go to class today?” – Lazy Lenny 

If you’re not already wearing pants, then no. If you are, take them off and see previous sentence. – Woodbridge

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